Where am I going?

Setting goals is something I used to be a pro at. I'd set loads of goals and have each and every one of them completed before the date I had set for myself to achieve it. Failing was my biggest fear at the time so my reasons for applying myself so whole heartedly were not where they should have been. Getting out of this way of thinking was quite hard for me. In fact, I went to the opposite end of the spectrum and became lazy and didn't set any goals for myself. A big lesson I learned this year was that there is a balance to everything and finding that balance is one of the hardest things ever. I learned that in order to find balance, I had to give up control of certain things and allow things to play out as God wants them to. There is no excuse for letting myself go like I did. Spending money frivolously, chowing down on any unhealthy thing I could find because it made me feel good at the time, and being annoyed at my family and friends because I was so insecure I saw my faults in them. Wanting to change so badly but time after time falling back into the same old routines of binging, and turning off my alarms instead of waking up when I should. I would fall into routines of either overworking myself past my limits and burning out or not doing anything with my life and being ungrateful and unhappy with everything and everyone. A month ago or so, I had a breakdown about the coffee corner I was trying to open. I quit my job three months ago in hopes of pursuing my creative endeavors but I found myself stuck in this unhealthy mindset of tying my worth to my accomplishments and all I was focusing on was planning out this business that seemed ever so impossible. My car had issues and the repairs cost quite a bit, at first I was like "this is only a small setback" but when I had problems with it only a week after getting it back from the shop, the repairs took the last little bit of money I had saved up. The stress overwhelmed me and caused me to become an anxious mess. That's when I had the breakdown. Pouring out all my feelings and thoughts to my Dad hoping that maybe he could help me. I still would consider opening a coffee shop of my own someday but for now I have decided to put that dream on the back burner. I know that something I don't want to do is take the easy path through life and not take risks that could lead to something great but I am learning that I cannot say yes to every opportunity that comes my way. I used to think that success lead to happiness but I'm now understanding that happiness is what leads to success. Recently, I started reading "Joy On Demand" by Chade-Meng Tan. Although I am not into meditation and all of that stuff, I am learning a lot from this book. It talks about how when someone becomes successful, their personality is multiplied. For example if someone is greedy, selfish, and rude, when you add wealth and popularity to the mix, they will be all the more selfish, but if someone is kind and generous with what they have already, then when the success comes, they will give even more. Becoming successful is something I've always thought of as quite important to me. Graduating early, although it was a big achievement left me wanting more. I got so much praise and shocked looks when I told people I had graduated two years early. It was energizing and I began relying on others opinions of me to tell me how worthy I was. This is not healthy and I would encourage all of you to take serious care not to allow yourself to fall into this mindset trap. I'll do a post soon about how to get out of this mindset if you happen to already be in this trap. We must find our worth in Christ and our relationship with God. He is the only one who will fill us and he will never give up on us. By Focusing on what he says about us and not what other people say about us we can completely change the way we live our lives and it will make us incredibly happier humans. It was a combination of placing my worth in him and accepting that I'm human so there is no way for me to be perfect that helped me give up control over every little thing in my life and allowed me to have peace again. Instead of feeling guilty about the wasted time over the past few months, I'm letting go of my past mistakes. They don't mean I've failed, simply that I learned a valuable lesson. When you change your perspective on things like these, there is this calmness that settles into your heart and soul. It permits you to live fully in this moment right in front of you. Living in the moment is one of the most hard things for people these days. We either are feeling anxious about the future and the unknown of it all or we feel depressed about the past either because those people and memories will never come together again or because we feel this overwhelming guilt about our decisions. I hope to do a post about living in the moment as well. This post is merely a brain dump of my thoughts recently. I'm planning on posting more chill brain dump type posts on Mondays and then a more structured post on Fridays. As I plan for the new year, I'm figuring out what exactly I'd like to work on and what areas I'd like to invest my time and energy. There are lots of unknowns in my life and I don't really know what I want to do with my life but I know there are certain things that I can do to move me in the right direction and I'm learning to be content with that. Not having everything figured out and simply doing my best where I am now. I have a long way to go, so many areas to grow in, and a great many seasons of life awaiting me but those will come in God's timing. Do one right thing and then the next, one at a time, living fully in each moment. This is what I'm doing for now. I hope you will join me on this crazy journey of life. I think we could learn a lot from each other.

-Lydia B. Johnson